Antidepressants

There are many people in this world who struggle with depression, and I am one of them. Imagine constantly tearing yourself down even though you have done nothing wrong. Imagine getting angry at your own friends and family just for trying to talk to you. Imagine trying to fall asleep at night, but you can’t because you are tortured by the memories of past mistakes. This is what it was like for me with depression. Some people do not realize discovering you have depression is not always clear. It took me a lot of time and suffering to realize I did. For a long time, I believed my actions and feelings were normal. Everyone has their story, and this is mine. 

Many people associate depression with extreme levels of sadness, and I have experience this. It would not matter the severity of the event; my mind would crumble. The sadness I experienced was more than a bad feeling with tears. It was painful. I remember times I would cry so hard my eyes would swell and my heart would pound. I would curl into a ball as tight as I could to try to feel comfort. Sometimes, I would even make myself sad. It was like I was in a constant battle with my mind. I would have done nothing wrong, but my mind would convince me I had. It was almost as if I had no control.

Because of my depression, I also suffered problems with anger. I was extremely irritable. So much rage could build up inside me just by the twitch of my grandmother’s nose or the laugh of a classmate. Sometimes, I would clench my fists and bite the inside of my cheek where it became painful.  This was my way of coping with it, so I would not do anything physical but sometimes, I would fail to hold it back. In sports, I have lashed out at teammates on the court. My senior year of high school I even yelled at my teacher. I was so frustrated with our project and worried about my grade. I felt the anger bubbling inside me and I could not stop the words from coming out of my mouth.

For a long time, I accepted it was normal to feel such high levels of rage or sadness. I accepted it was okay to mentally abuse myself. My mom had yelled at me about moping around, but I thought nothing of it. I do not know what made me finally realize something was wrong, but I did close to the end of my senior year of high school.

I brought up the issue to my doctor during my annual checkup and I got medication. I used it for about a month but stopped after I graduated. I was done with the high school drama, so I didn’t need it anymore, right?

I went a year without taking the medication and thought I was fine. I did not know something was still wrong until my boyfriend finally spoke up. I no longer laughed when he tickled me. Instead, I yelled at him. I never talked to his family. Instead, I got on my phone. I was still irritable, and I barely had the motivation to get off the couch. My boyfriend was suffering, and I never knew.

Since he told me, I got back on medication, and I never would have thought a medication could do so much. Things that irritated me before do not irritate me anymore. I can laugh with my boyfriend when he tries to be silly. I talk with his family with no problem, and I love going out. Of course, I am not perfect, and I still feel sadness, but it is not nearly as bad as it used to be. I feel like I am myself again.

I know when you see someone who has depression, it is hard to take them seriously. Its easy to feel as if they are overreacting and need to suck it up. I have even felt this way, but it is important to keep in mind depression is real. For most of my life, I fought a battle with myself without knowing there was a way to fix it. Now I have, I want others to know they can too.