Memories from my 4-year-old self

When I tell my brother and sister I can vividly remember living with my dad as a child, they never believe me. They tell me it is not possible for someone to have memories from such a young age. I must admit I think it is odd I am able to remember so far back, but I also find it interesting. Before you read further, I must warn you. Some of these memories may be emotional or uncomfortable. I am not sure why I wish to share these memories. I guess they are a part of me, and I only wish for others to know they exist. 

Our home:

I can still remember the layout of our trailer in Kentucky. It was on a country road surrounded by a forest. It had a stone driveway and a shabby wooden porch. When you walked in the front door, you entered the main section of the trailer with the kitchen on the left and the living room on the right. Past the living room was the master bedroom in the back right-hand corner. Past the kitchen was my room in the back left-hand corner. In my room, I had a twin sized bed against the left wall, a TV and dresser against the right wall and a closet in the front right-hand corner. The dresser contained my Barney movies and PlayStation 1. When I wasn’t outside, I was in my room. I know there are details I am most likely, but this is what I can visualize in my mind.

Animals and adventure:

In Kentucky, I found adventure playing in the large yard and finding creatures. Most of these creatures were reptiles because they were the easiest to find. Small lizards dwelled underneath the front porch of our trailer. I would catch as many as I could and keep them as pets. I’m not positive if they survived in my care, I just know I kept them. There was one time my assumed half-brother and his friend took the bowl which held my lizards and let them loose. I remember how they laughed, and I was so devastated as I watched my pets run away.

Turtles also roamed around our home. I remember when my mother and I would find them slowly crossing the road. We caught quite a few and kept them in a large plastic tub. One day, we removed the lid to the tub, and all of them were gone. My mother and I still do not know how they all escaped. We can only assume someone intentionally let them go.

Besides my love of reptiles, I really wanted a horse. A white one named Sandy, to be exact. I remember one day my dad told me he was going to get me one. We climbed into his truck and he took me to a horse farm. I couldn’t believe my dream was coming true. When we got there, there was one horse. Fascinated, I tried to get close and pet it, but it would walk away. My father talked with another man for awhile as I was occupied with the horse. Eventually, we left with no horse. I am not sure if he realized he could not afford one or if he only visited the main to sell drugs.

Finally, I will never forget the day my father and his friend brought home two stray puppies. They said they found them on the side of the road on their way home. One of them was mostly brown, and the other was mostly white. I got to choose which one I wanted to keep, and I chose the brown one. You would think this memory would be a happy one, but every time I think of it, it makes me sad. I chose the brown one because I thought it looked better than the white one. My dad and his friend tried to convince me to take the white one because it was the nicest, but I stuck with my decision. I never got to connect with the dog. I was too young to appreciate him. 

Poison:

This is my worst memory but unfortunately, it is true. Having a father who was constantly mean and abusive to my mother was hard for me as a child. I wanted the violence to end. One day, I came up with a solution: I would poison them. I went into my parent’s bathroom and took the cap of my fathers shaving cream to mix my concoction. I mixed some of my father’s cologne as well as his shaving cream, and I walked the poison to my mother. “Here, mom. I made this for you,” I said. Of course, my plan failed, and I was punished for pouring out my father’s cologne. When my dad came home, my mother told him what had happened. She told him she had already punished me, but it was not enough for him. I will not go into detail about how he punished me, but I will say I remember clearly how I cried on my bed and as he left my room, he yelled, “stop crying” and walked away.

The day we left:

The memory I value the most is my memory of the day my mother and I left my father. It started with my mother on the phone. My mother needed to go to work, but my grandmother did not show up to babysit me. I watched my mother cry as she placed the phone back onto the wall. “Crystal, go to your room and grab the stuff you want to take. We are leaving,” she told me. I wasn’t sure where we were going. I went to my room and opened my drawer of Barney movies, but I did not feel the need to take any of them. I grabbed a few toys, clothes and games. My mother and I gathered our stuff into her red Ford Tempo. I remember I was upset because I could not find one of my favorite games, Scramble. As we drove away, I looked back at the trailer and watched our dog jump around the yard on his chain. It was then mom finally explained we were going to her parent’s house in Ohio.

I have more memories, but I find these to be most prominent. These were real events, not dreams of a child. I am not sure how or why I remember these things, I only know I can remember them, and they will be with me until my time passes.