What now? My process of moving on from a three-year relationship.

For the past three years, I felt my future was planned and certain. I could look down at the end of the tunnel and see an inviting light. I was content with my future but in a split second, the light was gone. Now, all I am left with is darkness and uncertainty.

 

As humans, it is almost a natural desire to find a partner we wish to spend the rest of our lives with. Some people may tell themselves or others they only want company, not a relationship, but even they tend to give in, fall in love and marry. When I was a junior in high school, I thought I met “the one.” The man I would marry and have a happy life with. If this was true, there would be no need for this blog.

This summer, my life was turned upside down. For three years, I have been with one man. The one I crossed my fingers and prayed I would marry. The majority of my time was spent with him. A life without him was unimaginable. In June, for reasons I do not feel the need to explain, we separated. It was mutual, and I knew it was the right thing to do. I only wish I was prepared for what would follow.

I was told our body reacts to ending a long-term relationship the same as losing a loved one. The more I think about it, it is very similar. You have a sudden transition from seeing or talking to a person regularly to not seeing or talking to them at all. You are left with pictures and memories of them you cannot erase.

Everyone can react to this differently. For me, I felt the need to fill the hole. Instead of letting the wound heal naturally, I wanted to shove artificial tissue on it in hopes it would heal instantly. Clearly, this is never the correct solution.

My family told me I needed to figure out myself first. What does this mean? Shouldn’t I always have myself figured out. As time went on, I slowly started to understand what this meant.

In my past relationship, I accepted my partners faults and changed what he considered my faults to make the relationship work. I was never truly myself, and he was never truly what I wanted in a relationship.

There were so many qualities about me I loved but had to suppress. I suddenly realized what these qualities were and how they are important parts of me. The right partner for me would not make me feel ashamed of my love and need for long hours of sleep. The right partner for me would not get irritated when I begin speaking in a different voice when I see adorable animals. The right partner for me would enjoy my singing and maybe even sing along rather than tell me to stop.

Some things about me make me who I am, and I should not have to change them for anyone. Therefore, if a man comes into my life and cannot handle my quirks, he does belong in my life. This really helped me begin to appreciate and value myself as a person.

Unfortunately, I still face issues.

Luckily, I know who I am and what I truly look for in a partner. I know I have a long life ahead of me, but I feel the desire to meet the right man before time runs out. I know this is an irrational fear of mine, being alone, but it sits in the back of my mind and haunts me. For the past three years, I felt my future was planned and certain. I could look down at the end of the tunnel and see an inviting light. I was content with my future but in a split second, the light was gone. Now, all I am left with is darkness and uncertainty.

In my attempts to move on, I have been through a fair amount of dates, but I have discovered a block. I no longer let myself get excited or anxious for a date. In fact, I never consider any encounters dates unless the other says so. If a man asks to do something with me, I take it as if he wants to hang out as friends with no romantic intentions. It is as if my mind has learned to stop me from getting my hopes up.

In a way this is good because it protects me from getting hurt. On the other hand, I no longer feel butterflies. Instead, I almost feel emotionless. Of course, I enjoy my time with the person. It is after the date I return to my normal life. I do not sit and ponder if they like me or if we will go out again. I do not swoon over the fact they called me beautiful. I do not believe them, and I continue as if nothing happened.

I am still trying to pin point why this is. I remember the butterfly feeling, and I want to feel it again. I cannot tell if I have not felt it because the men I have met are not right for me or if I have an emotional block not letting them in. If it is an emotional block, how much longer will it be for me to rebuild my trust? Am I permanently damaged, or will I heal? I guess only time will tell.

I have concluded this is a struggle I will continue to face until things settle out. I have entered a new world, and I am still getting used to the atmosphere. I know it will take time. The best I can do is look at the past three years as a lesson, continue to be myself and have faith God has the best intentions for my future.